As a trans masculine parent, I’ve had members of my family outright deny both my gender identity and my legitimacy as a parent.
When I came out, my stepfather told me outright, “You should have thought about this before you started a family”.
Their support went only as far as I complied with the ideas they’d had of me, as a woman and a mother.
When my kid used to tell strangers I’d given birth to her, most couldn’t fathom how I’d had a baby.
In July, the Good Law Project reported that a trans man was denied a Gender Recognition Certificate on the grounds that he was trying to conceive.
When visibly trans masculine people live our lives in ways presumed to belong to a womanhood we’ve rejected, we defy the very boundaries set by the prejudice we already face.
We’re seen to cross over into even more ‘unnatural’ territory than we do in the first place, by daring and demanding our masculinity still be recognised.
The Gender Recognition Panel’s rejection of a trans man who wants to give birth is a symptom of an invented binary, enforced by people who wanted to erase queer and Trans+ existence.
That’s because our experiences of denied identity are based on a deeper-rooted problem.
We assume male living beings don’t give birth – an easy broad stroke too often applied to all of nature, from humans and other animals to plant life.
It’s true that females of many species are the ones who give birth, or produce seeds that grow into new plants. But this is a regularly recurring pattern, not an absolute.
Men’s ‘natural’ roles in fatherhood – as prescribed by the nuclear family model – are painted in the same broad strokes. It’s a father’s place to protect and provide, we are taught, through their strength and ability to work.
By this standard, even the most privileged, typical dads are sidelined from the start.
Amid the attention on new or expectant mothers, it’s assumed men ‘just aren’t interested’ in engaging with babies, or the emotional experience of parenthood.
Because of this denial of families beyond binaries of sex and gender stereotypes, we can’t know how many fathers struggle with this pivotal life change in silence.
It’s only recently begun to be understood how beneficial it is for fathers to cuddle and be skin-to-skin with their babies.
Parental equality is coming further into view, but it’s still hampered by assumptions of what comes naturally to whom.
A more nuanced look at nature itself shows us a different way.
Take male seahorses. They fertilise their mates’ eggs, and are able to carry and give birth to multiple broods each breeding season. They were the inspiration for the name of a documentary about a trans man’s pregnancy and parenthood journey.
Then there are monoecious trees, like oak and hazel, which bear male and female flowers on the same trees.
And we could get lost down a rabbit hole of the animals and plants that change sex.
This all shows us the fluidity of sex, gender and roles - and how restrictive societal norms and boxes are.
Fathers can be loving, capable and vulnerable at the same time. And yes, some of us can give birth too.
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