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Transgender parents are smashing damaging perceptions of gender roles in the family
Queer Gaze

Transgender parents are smashing damaging perceptions of gender roles in the family

QueerAF
QueerAF

“You’ve got your hands full.” 

This phrase echoes through my life as I walk through the park with my six children. I roll my eyes and despair at the low bars that are set for a father that is ‘involved’ in his child’s life. 

Traditional cishet culture displays the father as a non-interested and incompetent buffoon — think Homer Simpson or Peter Griffin.

Parenting culture expects fathers to provide materially, not to engage emotionally or practically in daily caregiving.

The world reacts as if dads capable of parenting tasks are anomalies. Like watching the kids solo or doing their hair are rare "tricks" performed to "help Mum out", rather than inherent responsibilities. 

There’s widespread surprise at dads who don’t need to use pre-made meals or that manage, without detailed instructions, to care for their children.

I transitioned after 26 years of presenting as a woman. I quickly experienced male privilege in work and social contexts, but I didn’t receive praise in the same way when it came to parenting.

Instead of an expectation I would just be good because I was a man, I encountered surprise that I knew how to be a good caregiver. I have even been commended by receptionists just for being able to remember my children's dates of birth. 

I became a father around the same time as coming out as trans and beginning my transition. Becoming a parent can have that galvanising effect. My desire to be called dad by my kids was my catalyst for change.

What we model as parents becomes the next generation's standard. Dads receive praise simply for showing up with their kids, reinforcing the idea that paternal involvement is exceptional. We need a model of parenting that transcends gender, showing that caregiving ability is not defined by identity.

Parenting spaces are becoming more queer-inclusive, and more queer spaces are considering how to be child-friendly.

Social media shows us that an expanding number of non-cis parents, across the gender spectrum, are building families through donations, surrogacy, adoption - even seahorse pregnancies, when trans men carry and give birth to their own children. 

At a time when the trans community is under threat from overt attacks across the country, Queer and trans households are steadfastly raising children to live without gender bias. 

This remarkable new generation of transgender parents and their children are smashing up ‘traditional’, outdated and damaging perceptions of family - and replacing them with something magically fluid.


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