Since becoming disabled in 2020, I have become immersed in the world of queer disability. And what I’ve learned from the content creators, TV shows, and exhibitions I’ve discovered is that our sex lives are just as full of desire, passion and intimacy as anyone else.
Just like Trans+ people, disabled people have had to fight for this visibility and challenge misinformation about their sexuality, which is why I’ve found it particularly hard to find appropriate sex advice.
When I came out as queer and non-binary, I wanted to re-evaluate my relationship with gender roles and sexuality. No matter how much it seemed like I had left gender roles behind, I found myself still embodying stereotypes - and this wasn’t the only challenge I faced when being intimate either.
I had to change the way I had sex when I developed fibromyalgia, which means I experience chronic pain and moving my body often feels like a chore. I also have vulvodynia, which is persistent pain in the pelvic region, and means I often can’t be touched in those areas without experiencing pain. Neither of these conditions are expected to improve, but I can manage them with rest and medication.
I struggled to find information that was helpful about how to have sex as a queer disabled person. I often found myself looking at information meant for cis and straight people and trying to adapt it to fit me. I’m also fat, adding another complication in a world that pathologises, discriminates against, and denies bodily autonomy to those who don’t fit the ‘norm’.
Luckily the very queer approach of creating something because no one else will meant that there are places to go. The first alternative guide to queer sex I found is an iconic zine called F*cking Trans Women, which also led me to its trans masculine equivalent Sex With Trans Men.
They both served as a reminder of how one experience is not universal, and that one representation of trans or disabled sex is not enough.
We also found the book "Trans Sex" by Kelvin Sparks, which was more suited to my partner's interests. Sofie Hagen’s Will I Ever Have Sex Again sets out how the ‘rulebook’ and ‘scripts’ of the way we’re told is the ‘normal way’ of having sex is far from useful. She further explains that if we unlearn this paradigm, we’re free to find a way forward that works far better for each of us.
What if my partner and I approached sex and intimacy with no rulebooks, including the ones we had created throughout our relationship?
That was something Hagen realised while writing their book too, coming to the conclusion they need to redefine what sex is, as “bodies enjoying bodies.”
Through discussion and exploration, my partner and I have changed our definition of sex, too, choosing what enjoyment we want each time. We are intimate, rather than following a routine.
The celebration of queer, trans, disabled, neurodivergent sexuality can help anyone learn more about themselves.
Although I have now rejected most sex scripts and rule books, I still do lots of reading to reflect better on my sexuality and to strengthen my relationships. This ultimately leads to a better understanding of ourselves.
We deserve good news too.
When there is so much hate out there, it's easy to get swept up in the doom.
QueerAF doesn't do that. We sprinkle in the joy that is the lifeblood of why being LGBTQIA+ is so simply wonderful.
And in the newsletter where this was first published, there was actually a bunch of positive news to celebrate. It shows me that despite the headlines knocking us down, we're getting right back up again and using our anger to fuel our fight.
While the rest of the media cashes in on hate about us, we can focus on queer joy - because you drive us. The community. QueerAF readers - not advertisers.
Our members directly fund our content. When you sign up, you get to have your say on how your funds are used. On what content we should commission.
But we turn down advertising and sponsorships in this newsletter so we can focus on delivering on content for you, not just clicks. That's why we need you to sign up to become a QueerAF member.
You'll join hundreds of awesome queer as f**k members who ensure we can keep our unique approach to queer content happen. If you want to see the media cover more stories about the joy in our lives - please, consider a membership. We can't run our outlet without you.
